I saw this on Trombone-L some time ago, chuckled, and deleted it. Now it has just come across another list, and it seems worth sharing. If you like it, you can bookmark it here. Surely that will make finding it again easier than hunting through old emails!
WASHINGTON, D.C. – Each year thousands are people are killed, maimed or
annoyed by trombones. The statistics of head, neck and even shoulder
injuries sustained by reed players, french horn and string sections seated
within reach of the deadly seventh position are truly shocking…not to
mention forced early retirement due to ever-increasing hearing problems
reported by classical musicians of all types who are forced to play the
music of Wagner, Mahler and Brahms, as well as the hundreds of alumni of the
Herman, Ferguson and Kenton bands and OKOM devotees of Kid Ory, Jack
Teagarden, Abe Lincoln Jim Robinson and Lee Gifford.
There is current legislation pending in Congress to restrict the sale of
trombones and equip them with child-safety devices. The influential trombone
lobby is, of course, opposed to this.
There have even been several proposals for requiring a so-called “trigger
lock” on all bass trombones! Every year there are reports of hundreds of
innocent children, attracted by the shiny brass and smooth, seductive curves
of an unattended instrument on a stand in the corner of a room or in an
unlocked case who are traumatized for life by the attempts of a playmate to
get a sound out of it, or who may suffer a collapsed lung or the effects of
hyperventilation by trying the same effort themselves! The owner’s feeble “I
didn’t know the slide was unlocked” is no excuse! Trombones should be stored
out of reach of children.
Efforts to enact a mandatory 10-day waiting period to purchase a trombone-
which would simply allow a reasonable period of time for law enforcement
officials to cross-check the purchaser’s name against an International list
of registered trombone offenders and Slide-O-Mix addicts, have been
repeatedly thwarted by the powerful Conn-Selmer-Yamaha (CSY) lobby.
Law enforcement officials are particularly alarmed over the increase in
crimes involving use of the “sawed-off” trombone or”sackbut.”
Legislation is also pending in several progressive states, including New
York and California, to make carrying a concealed alto trombone a Class A
Some Governors feel that there are sufficient laws already on the books that
simply need stricter enforcement – such as the 1932 nation-wide ban of
screw-on bells, the indiscriminate use of Pond’s Cold Cream or KY Jelly and
unsupervised emptying of spit valves on public property, a filthy unsanitary
habit which will help spread the flu this year.
One popular response to the spread of delinquent behavior is the imposition
of mandatory longer sentences for those using a trombone while committing a
crime (“Use a trombone – Go to jail”).
Surveillance video tapes have proven especially effective in identifying
violators of this statute because career criminals have often tried to avoid
convictions by having their lawyers insist that what eye-witnesses reported
as a trombone was really only an AK-47 or other legal assault weapon.
Strict enforcement has been especially effective when
used in conjunction with the new “Three sharps, you’re out” statutes that
have already been approved by many state legislatures.
Of course the automatic and semi-automatic valved models – both piston and
the middle-European rotary, are much more dangerous than the traditional
single valve trombone. Interpol has also reported the sudden appearance of
rear-blasting Cavalry models that were thought to have been completely
eliminated during the Great Confiscation mandated by the 1918 Treaty of
Versailles signed by representatives of every civilized country of the
period. You may recall that those instruments were melted down and became an
integral part of the Trans-Atlantic Telephone Cable that helped to unite
America and Europe. It is believed that the new source of these WMD’s are
isolated factories in rural areas of China.
The awesome destructive power of the double trigger bass trombone could
never have been imagined by the founding fathers when they granted us the
right to keep and bear arms.
When trombones are outlawed, only outlaws will play
“I’m Gettin’Sentimental Over You.” Joe Podorsek – Local -5, Detroit Michigan